Why is it taking so long to figure out what to do with that Elian Gonzalez kid? Everyone keeps going back and forth; should he go back to Cuba, or should he stay here in the US and remain on the cover of every magazine ever printed? Here's my answer: "No." No? Yes, no. Huh?
Anyway... I don't think Elian would be best off in either Florida or Cuba. Let's settle this once and for all. Send the kid to North Muskegon. I'm sure we can find someone's house for him to hang out at. I doubt anyone would even notice him here. I mean, look around our school; we've basically turned into an international boarding school. We could start a little refuge camp out in Walker Park. We've already got a full population for the German tent, but you can't really call your little campout a refuge camp until you've got a little Cuban running around. He can even bring his inner tube.
Elian might not get the same amount of media attention here, but don't you think it's about time we left the boy alone? How would you have liked it if when you were a little kid Newsweek plastered a picture of a half-naked you on the front page? I doubt the media could even find North Muskegon, and even if they could, what possible motivation could make it worth their while to come here?
I can't say I've ever really considered North Muskegon the right place for anyone. Now's our chance, let's jump on it while we can still get a mention on page A37 in USA Today.