It's hard to believe so much could happen in one week. Some things I expected, but didn't really understand, some I had no concept of. They came at me regardless of anticipation, without a thought of preparedness. They say that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and after the last week I would tend to agree. So what have I learned over the past week? Many things. I've tasted what it is to be on your own, broadened my cultural horizons, and even come to peace with my future. All this in a mere seven days.
Although I've traveled by myself before, I've always done the sanitized version of traveling alone. My experience on my own has been limited to the friendly confines of a few hub airports, and maybe having to even -- *gasp* -- check myself in for my departure. Not this trip, however. Several aspects of my trip, mostly dealing with public transportation, were completely foreign to me before I reached them. Broad directions are useful, but they're meaningless unless you're able to fill in the details in between. In Oakland even my broad directions collapsed, as I futilely spent an hour and a half walking through downtown looking for the train station, only to arrive there an hour after my train had departed. It's at a time like this, when you're alone, without a plan, and possessing very limited means of communication that you really find out if you're ready to leave shelter and take in the world on your own. While I was walking, a little voice in the back of my head kept telling me that all was lost, that my plans were shattered and the situation hopeless. I could well have given into that voice. In fact, I think very recently I would have given in and desperately tried to contact someone who could walk me through my difficulties. This time, however, I didn't. I stuck it out on my own, relying on the people around me for guidance, but not placing on them too much of a dependence. And what happened? It worked, and everything turned out just fine. As I ate lunch while waiting for the next train the realization of the step I had just taken began to dawn on me, and I realized that the time for me to step out of the shelter is near and coming quickly.
I've always been a rather timid person. If I have a chance to do something new, especially something that I may fail at or think I won't like, my instinct is to reject the opportunity, opting instead for the tried-and-true options with which I am more accustomed. This tendency has also stuck with me into the world of food, leading to there being many things I dislike for no real reason, my distaste stemming merely from the fact that it's always been there. Over the last couple days I happened to dispel some of that timidness, though not really through any special work of my own doing. One of my dislikes has always been Chinese food, and yet I ended up eating Vietnamese, sushi, and Chinese in three straight days. By rebuking my trained reaction to dislike these foods, I was able to realize the folly of my dislike for them (or their genre, if you can label food groups such). If this had been the midwest I never would have experienced this. The midwest is bland and comfortable, where the west coast has "flavor" (to quote the guy who helped me get my bearings back in Oakland). The west coast is where every race and culture under the sun comes together and creates a mix that offers a little bit of everything, and plenty of opportunities to extend past your comfort zone.
For the last few years I've dreamed of moving to California after my graduation from high school. My dream has always been a vague one, never really defining itself beyond a general goal. Recently the dream became somewhat frightening to me. As it crept closer, I started to fear that perhaps it wasn't the right thing to do. The thought of leaving was scary to me, the kid who had never really been gone outside of family visits and safe little camps. Now I've tasted a little bit of life on my own, and I love it. I've seen the life I hope to lead, and instead of cringing from it I'm ready to embrace it with open arms. The time is approaching, and I'm ready to meet it when it arrives. For months my mind has also been wrestling with justifying my thoughts of going straight into the work force after high school, skipping out on the traditional college experience in favor of a approach which fits college into the periphery of life. While on the surface my decision had been made, my heart really wasn't at peace with the outcome. Partially it was peer-pressure; everyone else is going to college, so why wouldn't I? Several conversations recently, as well as visiting the job I could be going into, have convinced me that my decision is the right one. When I visited an office where I could see myself being employed, my eyes were opened to the fact that it was a place where everyone else was just like me. Education, obtained or not, was thrown out and all that mattered was your knowledge of your job, and how to make things work. The atmosphere was contagious, and I immediately got sucked into Linux installs and hardware discussions. The world I will enter is the world I love, in which the things that are of most interest to me are also on the minds and tongues of those with whom I would work, and those for whom I would be working.
It's about time to wrap up this compilation of my thoughts. Will I still think and feel these things upon my return? I imagine so, but my trip is only halfway through, so there's plenty of time for new revelations to come my way. No matter what, though, the experiences I had during the trip so far are truly priceless, never to be forgotten.
e;
June 22, 2000
9:15pm PST